Things I won't miss...

-not being able to wear heels
-being skeert of white clothes
-not being able to wear short sleeves or skirts that are above the knees
-not being able to shop in a "normal" clothing store
-only being able to wear shoes that don't come in extra wide sizes
-not being able to wear certain types of socks because they don't fit my fat feet
-not being able to wear anklettes
-not being able to wear rings
-not being able to do the balance sequence in my yoga class not because I can't balance but because my poor little pudgy size 8 1/2 feet simply cannot hold all of my weight on one of them for long periods
-finding dancing to be a hard activity to sustain
-not having defined shoulders to hold up my bra strap
-that look on peoples' faces when they see you have the seat next to them in the airplane
-sitting in an airplane seat
-sitting in a movie theatre seat
-always feeling like I am trying to make myself smaller (by hunching my shoulders etc.) (((I was actually once detained at border patrol because my hunching looked suspicious to them...seriously...lol)
-my fat neck
-my double chin
-my arm flab
-cringing every time I see a picture of myself
-feeling like I'm not worth sticking up for
-being ignored by men or treated like "one of the guys" (which is very disturbing, by the way, men talk about women like they are meat)
-knowing that, even though I'm a great singer and an ok actress, I could never land a role that would suit my personality because the only parts they have for "my type" are character roles...and I'm not a very good character actress
-knowing that, when I audition and they give me the characteristic "yeah, you're talented but you are too fat for any of our parts" chorus role, that I will be the costumer's worst nightmare.
-that look on the costumer's face when he/she takes my measurements
-feeling like people are skeptical about why someone as unhealthy as myself wants to become a doctor
-feeling skeptical about why someone as unhealthy as myself wants to become a doctor
-fearing med school interviews because I know they will be wondering this
-Having every doc appt turn into a "You're fat...fix it" session instead of a "let's diagnose and treat your infection" session.
-having doctors think it is ok to be talking about how fat I am while I'm fully exposed and in stirrups
-being given weight loss advice by complete strangers that starts with "I lost 20 pounds once by doing the following..." (oh yeah? well I've lost almost 60 pounds doing what I'M doing...I think I might know a little bit about dieting than those peeps)
-not being able to have my belly button pierced =0)
-having people think it is ok to walk up to me on the street and say rude things about my size.
-the fat/round moon face that made the people at the pituitary conference a few years back assume I was a cushings patient
-not being able to climb a mountain
-not being able to go spelunking
-feeling too sorry for the horse to ever ride one
-not being able to do the amount and intensity of hiking/geocaching that I would like
-not being able to do a lot of the more complicated yoga stances
-not being as energetic as I could be
-feeling invisible
-not being able to wear a bikini (I am DETERMINED to get there!)
-having people think I am so much older than my friends
-FEELING so much older than my friends
-not being able to even PASS the simple cardiovascular test at my gym
-not being able to run long distances or do a man push up or a single pull up
-having chairs break when I sat in em (yes, this has happened)
-being afraid of chairs breaking when I sit in em
-not knowing whether it's me or my weight that turns guys off...
-being in the "poor" category on the sit and reach
-my size 24s! (already got rid of em! I even forgot to keep a "see how far I've come?" pair)
-being too embarrased to get a bikini wax...ok...so it prolly will still be a little embarrassing...just less so
-feeling shy about massages
-feeling like what's the point in even trying to look good some days
-not being able to sit cross legged in the comfy library chairs
-not being able to cross my legs
-not being able to do certain sexual positions
-knowing that my boyfriend, who is a photographer, doesn't like to look at or take pictures of me (I can see it in the way he looks away whenever a pic of me is shown to him. And he has NEVER aimed a camera in my direction even though he is constantly snapping away beside me and takes pics of other people in his life)
-worrying about how I will ever be able to be preggers and healthy at my weight
-to be continued, I'm sure...

Oh! I almost forgot to mention....

Current weight=256.8!!!

Thin friends

Why are thin girl friends so determined to deny fatness? My best friend is always complaining about how fat she is. (she wears a size 4) But if I, who have no disillusionment about my size, make a simple "blubber" joke, she responds with "Oh,pleeeeze, whatEVer" This is the same response that I got from some female aquaintances a few weeks ago. It actually struck me when my friend said it because it was verbatim. While I appreciate their willingness to live in a little world of denial, I am FAT and I like to be able to own that! To me, informing the world of my fatness is a statement to myself and to them of self acceptance. It is also a way of forcing myself to not be ashamed. By telling everyone (in 3d/online) my weight, I make it clear to myself that that weight does not define me. So, strangely, it makes me more confident that I will LOSE the weight. Why be ashamed with a something that is only transient? Shame seems to imply a sense of permanancy about one's condition.

Anyways, to completely shift to a different topic, I've lost like 4.something pounds these past 2 weeks!

Last week I lost 2.something and this week I lost 1.8! I'm very happy with that and have decided, if I continue to lose about 6 pounds a month, I'll be at goal by the end of next summer. This seems like a long way away but, as always, I'm trying to keep my focus on staying on the diet no matter how much I lose. I am going to think of this as a countdown to summer 2008! Only 18 months to go! I'll probably set up a calendar where I can ceremoniously mark off the weeks as they pass. Even if I don't reach goal by then, I'll be a hell of a lot closer than I am now. And that is good enough for me!

Kat

Happy dance

I lost weight this week! Current weight=261.7
=0)

Better

Ok, I'm feeling more optimistic. I think I've at least lost something this week. We will see tomorrow.

However, at 9:30 AM, I have already eaten all of the substancial food that I brought with me today. This food was meant to last me till 10 PM.

I'm stressed because my first biochem test is tomorrow and this prof's tests have a reputation for being absolute hell with very little curve to compensate. At least in organic we had a curve. Add to that the fact that I have much less CHem background than the other students (most have taken both P-chems already)((It didn't say that was a pre-req so I was kinda surprised)) and I'm kinda skeert. In my world this usually translates to: I have been stress eating. I ate an egg, sausage patty, half of an english muffin, jenny craig blueberry muffin, 1 cup of nonfat milk, 1 vitamin bar, and my unsweetened applesauce, chicken salad, and wheat crackers that I brought for lunch. That is a lot of food to have eaten in the past three hours,no?

Anyways, 4 pieces of fruit, a salad, and veggies are all I get to eat for the rest of the day. I may not be perfect but I'll do my best. At least I'm stuffed right now...

Valentine Blues

I'm bummed. Why can't I consistently lose weight like a normal person? It's not even "that time" so I can't blame it on that.

Diet is going well.

I drank my h20 and ate veggies yesterday but one whole wheat english muffin with a tsp of margarine and 1 oz of lowfat cheese did leap into my mouth accidentally/on purpose...How DARE it? I feel so violated. But I don't feel like that was so bad. It's not like I ate fries or something. There was some nutritional goodness in that excess snack.

I had a hardcore 90 minute workout today and I have almost drunk all my water already. On workout days I am trying for 10 glasses instead of the normal 8.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed and have been extra grumbly about this whole weight gain thing. It's not like I've been dieting for many months now...it has only been 1 1/2 (there had been a 2 year hiatus since I lost the first 40 lbs or so.) I'd better not be plateau-ed already that would make baby jesus cry.

Tonight is Valentine's Day and I have no clue what to expect. Being a chronic fat girl, I have never been in a relationship on this day before (yes that makes 29 years of singledom...with brief romances that just never feel during this season...)
My man is not particularly romantic (neither am I) and he is also broke. However, he did mention being particularly strapped for cash this month which makes the little romantic archetype inside want to jump out and say...are you finally getting me an engagement ring????

I am making him a very fattening meal because I have learned the hard way that his mid west/southern upbringing does not mesh with the Bostonian style of cooking that I have been raised on. He is very picky and only eats about 10 things so the choices were limited. But here is the menu:
Honey Battered Chicken fingers
Homestyle mashed Potatoes
Carrots with margarine
Strawberry Shortcake

This meal simultaneously makes me drool and makes my arteries want to choke to death but so be it. As Spaghetti Monster as my witness I will only eat the strawberries and carrots and will have my jenny craig meal as my main course.

However, I did kinda sorta decide some splurges were ok on Vday when I saw the chocolate marker thingies at Spencers. If you don't know what I'm talking bout dont ask...

Well, after wasting my day to exercise and tutoring other people on Physics, I think I'll go home. MCAT/Biochem study is gonna have to wait.

Peace and weight loss (pleeze?)

blar di blar

I gained 0.4 pounds. My consultant says I'm not eating enough. So I am gaining weight by not eating. Now THAT's talent. My goals this week: drink my friggin water and eat my frigging veggies.

blar