Things I won't miss...

-not being able to wear heels
-being skeert of white clothes
-not being able to wear short sleeves or skirts that are above the knees
-not being able to shop in a "normal" clothing store
-only being able to wear shoes that don't come in extra wide sizes
-not being able to wear certain types of socks because they don't fit my fat feet
-not being able to wear anklettes
-not being able to wear rings
-not being able to do the balance sequence in my yoga class not because I can't balance but because my poor little pudgy size 8 1/2 feet simply cannot hold all of my weight on one of them for long periods
-finding dancing to be a hard activity to sustain
-not having defined shoulders to hold up my bra strap
-that look on peoples' faces when they see you have the seat next to them in the airplane
-sitting in an airplane seat
-sitting in a movie theatre seat
-always feeling like I am trying to make myself smaller (by hunching my shoulders etc.) (((I was actually once detained at border patrol because my hunching looked suspicious to them...seriously...lol)
-my fat neck
-my double chin
-my arm flab
-cringing every time I see a picture of myself
-feeling like I'm not worth sticking up for
-being ignored by men or treated like "one of the guys" (which is very disturbing, by the way, men talk about women like they are meat)
-knowing that, even though I'm a great singer and an ok actress, I could never land a role that would suit my personality because the only parts they have for "my type" are character roles...and I'm not a very good character actress
-knowing that, when I audition and they give me the characteristic "yeah, you're talented but you are too fat for any of our parts" chorus role, that I will be the costumer's worst nightmare.
-that look on the costumer's face when he/she takes my measurements
-feeling like people are skeptical about why someone as unhealthy as myself wants to become a doctor
-feeling skeptical about why someone as unhealthy as myself wants to become a doctor
-fearing med school interviews because I know they will be wondering this
-Having every doc appt turn into a "You're fat...fix it" session instead of a "let's diagnose and treat your infection" session.
-having doctors think it is ok to be talking about how fat I am while I'm fully exposed and in stirrups
-being given weight loss advice by complete strangers that starts with "I lost 20 pounds once by doing the following..." (oh yeah? well I've lost almost 60 pounds doing what I'M doing...I think I might know a little bit about dieting than those peeps)
-not being able to have my belly button pierced =0)
-having people think it is ok to walk up to me on the street and say rude things about my size.
-the fat/round moon face that made the people at the pituitary conference a few years back assume I was a cushings patient
-not being able to climb a mountain
-not being able to go spelunking
-feeling too sorry for the horse to ever ride one
-not being able to do the amount and intensity of hiking/geocaching that I would like
-not being able to do a lot of the more complicated yoga stances
-not being as energetic as I could be
-feeling invisible
-not being able to wear a bikini (I am DETERMINED to get there!)
-having people think I am so much older than my friends
-FEELING so much older than my friends
-not being able to even PASS the simple cardiovascular test at my gym
-not being able to run long distances or do a man push up or a single pull up
-having chairs break when I sat in em (yes, this has happened)
-being afraid of chairs breaking when I sit in em
-not knowing whether it's me or my weight that turns guys off...
-being in the "poor" category on the sit and reach
-my size 24s! (already got rid of em! I even forgot to keep a "see how far I've come?" pair)
-being too embarrased to get a bikini wax...ok...so it prolly will still be a little embarrassing...just less so
-feeling shy about massages
-feeling like what's the point in even trying to look good some days
-not being able to sit cross legged in the comfy library chairs
-not being able to cross my legs
-not being able to do certain sexual positions
-knowing that my boyfriend, who is a photographer, doesn't like to look at or take pictures of me (I can see it in the way he looks away whenever a pic of me is shown to him. And he has NEVER aimed a camera in my direction even though he is constantly snapping away beside me and takes pics of other people in his life)
-worrying about how I will ever be able to be preggers and healthy at my weight
-to be continued, I'm sure...

Oh! I almost forgot to mention....

Current weight=256.8!!!

Thin friends

Why are thin girl friends so determined to deny fatness? My best friend is always complaining about how fat she is. (she wears a size 4) But if I, who have no disillusionment about my size, make a simple "blubber" joke, she responds with "Oh,pleeeeze, whatEVer" This is the same response that I got from some female aquaintances a few weeks ago. It actually struck me when my friend said it because it was verbatim. While I appreciate their willingness to live in a little world of denial, I am FAT and I like to be able to own that! To me, informing the world of my fatness is a statement to myself and to them of self acceptance. It is also a way of forcing myself to not be ashamed. By telling everyone (in 3d/online) my weight, I make it clear to myself that that weight does not define me. So, strangely, it makes me more confident that I will LOSE the weight. Why be ashamed with a something that is only transient? Shame seems to imply a sense of permanancy about one's condition.

Anyways, to completely shift to a different topic, I've lost like 4.something pounds these past 2 weeks!

Last week I lost 2.something and this week I lost 1.8! I'm very happy with that and have decided, if I continue to lose about 6 pounds a month, I'll be at goal by the end of next summer. This seems like a long way away but, as always, I'm trying to keep my focus on staying on the diet no matter how much I lose. I am going to think of this as a countdown to summer 2008! Only 18 months to go! I'll probably set up a calendar where I can ceremoniously mark off the weeks as they pass. Even if I don't reach goal by then, I'll be a hell of a lot closer than I am now. And that is good enough for me!

Kat

Happy dance

I lost weight this week! Current weight=261.7
=0)

Better

Ok, I'm feeling more optimistic. I think I've at least lost something this week. We will see tomorrow.

However, at 9:30 AM, I have already eaten all of the substancial food that I brought with me today. This food was meant to last me till 10 PM.

I'm stressed because my first biochem test is tomorrow and this prof's tests have a reputation for being absolute hell with very little curve to compensate. At least in organic we had a curve. Add to that the fact that I have much less CHem background than the other students (most have taken both P-chems already)((It didn't say that was a pre-req so I was kinda surprised)) and I'm kinda skeert. In my world this usually translates to: I have been stress eating. I ate an egg, sausage patty, half of an english muffin, jenny craig blueberry muffin, 1 cup of nonfat milk, 1 vitamin bar, and my unsweetened applesauce, chicken salad, and wheat crackers that I brought for lunch. That is a lot of food to have eaten in the past three hours,no?

Anyways, 4 pieces of fruit, a salad, and veggies are all I get to eat for the rest of the day. I may not be perfect but I'll do my best. At least I'm stuffed right now...

Valentine Blues

I'm bummed. Why can't I consistently lose weight like a normal person? It's not even "that time" so I can't blame it on that.

Diet is going well.

I drank my h20 and ate veggies yesterday but one whole wheat english muffin with a tsp of margarine and 1 oz of lowfat cheese did leap into my mouth accidentally/on purpose...How DARE it? I feel so violated. But I don't feel like that was so bad. It's not like I ate fries or something. There was some nutritional goodness in that excess snack.

I had a hardcore 90 minute workout today and I have almost drunk all my water already. On workout days I am trying for 10 glasses instead of the normal 8.

I woke up this morning on the wrong side of the bed and have been extra grumbly about this whole weight gain thing. It's not like I've been dieting for many months now...it has only been 1 1/2 (there had been a 2 year hiatus since I lost the first 40 lbs or so.) I'd better not be plateau-ed already that would make baby jesus cry.

Tonight is Valentine's Day and I have no clue what to expect. Being a chronic fat girl, I have never been in a relationship on this day before (yes that makes 29 years of singledom...with brief romances that just never feel during this season...)
My man is not particularly romantic (neither am I) and he is also broke. However, he did mention being particularly strapped for cash this month which makes the little romantic archetype inside want to jump out and say...are you finally getting me an engagement ring????

I am making him a very fattening meal because I have learned the hard way that his mid west/southern upbringing does not mesh with the Bostonian style of cooking that I have been raised on. He is very picky and only eats about 10 things so the choices were limited. But here is the menu:
Honey Battered Chicken fingers
Homestyle mashed Potatoes
Carrots with margarine
Strawberry Shortcake

This meal simultaneously makes me drool and makes my arteries want to choke to death but so be it. As Spaghetti Monster as my witness I will only eat the strawberries and carrots and will have my jenny craig meal as my main course.

However, I did kinda sorta decide some splurges were ok on Vday when I saw the chocolate marker thingies at Spencers. If you don't know what I'm talking bout dont ask...

Well, after wasting my day to exercise and tutoring other people on Physics, I think I'll go home. MCAT/Biochem study is gonna have to wait.

Peace and weight loss (pleeze?)

blar di blar

I gained 0.4 pounds. My consultant says I'm not eating enough. So I am gaining weight by not eating. Now THAT's talent. My goals this week: drink my friggin water and eat my frigging veggies.

blar

impatient

I don't think I lost this week...I'll find out tomorrow morning but my scale aint showing it. I did so well...ok so there was a brief bout with two froo froo martinis at Dave and Busters but that's it! And I worked my butt off in the gym all week. On Saturday, I did a 3 hour workout. 3 f'in hours!!! But if I'm going to make it all the way to goal, I've got to get better at dealing with weeks like this. In the past, these weeks would be my undoing...I would say "look how hard I'm working and where are my results?" And then I would go off and binge because what's the point of being on a diet that ain't working?

My doc said "if you are eating less than you are burning then its' only a matter of time before you lose". But damnit I'm just not a patient person.

The one thing that I am doing this time that I think will keep me from being disheartened is that I have a rewards system based on how well I followed the plan and not how much weight I lose. So I get my manicure next week regardless of whether I lose. At least I can look forward to that.

Weigh in

Yesterday, I weighed in at 262.4 which is like a 2 1/2 pound loss from last week! WOOHOO

I'm trying to get back into the gym habit after the week off when my fam was in town. Yesterday I did 90 minutes of cardio (30 of those minutes were really just a slow stroll while I caught the end of Made. It was such a cute episode about a geeky boy who wants to be prom prince. I love geeks. THey rock.=0)
Today, I did 24 minutes on the Treadmill, 10 minutes on the elliptical, 5 minutes of stretching, and then I did my weight lifting regimen. So I did about 90 minutes again.

One thing I've noticed is how great I feel after I work out. The endorphins in my system not only fill me with energy but they also make me feel HOT! LOL A pic of me would surely bring me back to reality but I walk around feeling like the hottest chick in the room for an hour or so after I finish.

The main barrier I have to get over when motivating myself to exercise is the sheer time factor. It usually takes me about 2 1/2 to 3 hours at the gym to get through my routine, shower, and get ready. That's a *%$#load of time.

I guess super busy peeps who still work out just don't shower afterwards? ew

I was in the gym with my SO the other day and I asked him if he was going to shower. His response? "I don't need to cause I showered this morning." I've never really thought of myself as a clean freak but when I'm in the gym I don't glisten...I sweat! And there is no way I am walking around all day with greasy sweaty hair. I guess it makes more sense for him because he has a buzz cut but still...

Kat

25?

So I saw a number on the scale yesterday and today (in the completely unofficial nekkid/early morning/no food or drink in my system sort of way).

It started with a 2. I've gotten used to this number. But then came a 5!!!
I have not seen a 5 in the tens place in, well, 5 years actually.

I am always finding new types milestones in the mundane numbers that pass by. So now I have to project foreward, as is often my style.

When I hit 239, I will be at a weight I haven't seen in 7 years.

When I hit 199...well that's a milestone in and of itself but...I will weigh less than I did on my 21st bday. (8 years ago)

When I hit 187, that is the weight I remember being at the end of freshmen year. (10 years ago)

When I hit 179, I will be the weight I was senior year of HS.

165=what I weighed Freshmen and Sophmore year. I don't know if I had achieved my full height freshman year but by Sophmore year I had. (yes, I thought I was fat even then.)((but at least I could always get a date))(((It should be noted that I met my SO 1 year ago...so...apparently I can get dates at this size too now.)))

My goal will probably be in the 150s. I don't think I have ever been this weight at my full height. We'll see when we get there. Now I have to think about ways of celebrating these milestones!


Kat

Family

Wow! I haven't posted in a while. I went to my meeting on tuesday and I actually lost 1.9 pounds. But my consultant said that sometimes being "bad" one week doesn't affect the scales until the week after. We shall see.

My fam has been in town and that has made it difficult to stay on my plan. However, I fared pretty well (with the exception of one skittles incident). I was actually quite surprised by how much my willpower has improved. They ate donuts, pie, blondies, ice cream, fries, really fattening salads and soups etc. I just ate my plain salads and fruit and sipped on my h2o and was fine! I did "taste test" a few things but I only had a small bite.

Current weight: 264.9

As my nonexistent italian relatives might say....CRAPOLA

So I sorta kinda blew my diet yesterday....ok lets face it...I REALLY blew my diet.

Since this is a diet blog, I will not be mentioning food that might tempt but it all started with a simple $&*@&!^*@#. Now my prob with cigs, booze, any time of addictive thing is that once I've had one *(&%(*#&@ I somehow think I might as well have another. The prob is that then I start having this wierd desire to stuff myself/drink till I can't anymore/smoke myself silly. It's not like I was enjoying the food I ate...I just ate (not all at once but just throughout the day).

On the bright side, I've never gone a whole month without going off the diet at least once. So today I've started again and, hopefully, will last 1+ months again!

I'm also grumpy because they changed the class schedules at my gym. Now my pilates/yoga/tai chi class thingy is at 11:30 instead of 10:15. Last week, I got to do my class and then watch Dancelife on MTV while I walked the treadmill afterwards (I don't have tv at home so I can only watch when I work out). Now there is a conflict so I guess (after checking the tv schedules) I'll be stuck watching I Love New York on VH1 instead.

Anyways, I'm pretty proud of myself for jumping back on the bandwagon but I did gain 2 pounds overnight. EEK!

Back on track

Kat

My current weight and other anomalies

I have decided to switch over to reporting my official Jenny Craig approved weight. This weight is higher because it is taken on a different scale with more clothes on and after eating breakfast and drinking 1-2 bottles of water. And so we will enter a little weight warp zone where someone weighing 264 can lose 2 pounds and yet weigh in at 266.8.

This weight warp zone has also led to goal weight inconsistencies which confound my understanding of how far away my goal may be. My Jenny Craig consultant says 140 but the exercise physiologist at my gym says I'd be dead at that weight because my lean body mass is 132. I figure my lean body mass is not a fixed entity so I have decided to wait and see...

1 month anny

So yesterday marked my 1 month anniversary on Jenny Craig. When I quit smoking we labeled each month that we stuck to the program as an anniversary and, since food is even more addictive to me than ciggs ever were, I think I'll apply that tradition to my diet as well.

I lost2.1 pounds last week. Total loss this month: 13.2. But the thing that blew me away was that I lost 6 inches from my bust,waist, hips, and abdomen! They gave me a 6 inch string to put on my keychain.

So I am officially a size 20 now!

color me happy

Kat

Another fat cat...

my cat had to get shaved today because I always forget to groom her.

She looks like one of those hairless cats.

she is actually really adorable with the cut but I have now noticed that I am not the only one in this family with a weight problem. Looks like it's diet kitty food time...

in other news, things were so hectic at school that I actually didn't get to eat all of my food today. I know that is sposed to be bad but I weigh in tomorrow so maybe it'll show some promising scale movement!

my abs still hurt but I worked out anyways: 25 minutes on the treadmill (ave speed 3.1/ave incline .9%). I saw an exercise physiologist last week and she told me I had to take it easy and not allow my pulse up past 135 because I was getting "mildly hypertensive" when I went up 154 (80% of my maximum) so I had to really tone down my cardio.

I meet with a trainer on thursday to discuss adding weights into my regimen. I'm a little nervous about this because you rarely see extremely obese people with personal trainers for some reason...hopefully she'll be nice...at least she's a she...

off to bed

goodnite people who live in my journal

Kat

*ouch*

Today was hard. I went to this pilates/yoga/tai chi compilation class yesterday and my abs are KILLING me. I never realized how much I use my abs during every day activities until now. I'm laying in bed and I can barely move. Everytime I have to get up I sort of slither off my bed wincing the whole time. I'm also inexplicably exhausted (and I'm on a well balanced, 1700 cal a day diet so I sure aint starving) but all I want to do is eat...go figure. I think I'm going to make it without going off my diet because I still have another fruit, some BBQ pita chips (I'm on Jenny Craig), and 1 cup of milk left to eat and I'm only staying up a few more hours. I'm just glad I made it through the day!

(wow...that is so not my time zone...I'll have to change that someday...)

UPDATE: Something worse than being woken up with an asthma attack at 4:21 AM? Having an asthma attack when every cough aggravates your sore abs...I feel like I'm suffocating...

Intro

This was me at 312 pounds:












<--- I lost 50 (and got a better camera)((that's my cat, Chloe))

Then I gained 20, lost those 20....you get the picture. Now I'm trying to get back on track.

Current weight: 264